Friday, September 13, 2013

And then I cried...

You know I could probably title a million blogs with this same title, because as you know I am a self proclaimed bawl ass! In the last few years I have said over and over again if I could change one thing about myself it would be my extreme worry, something that I truly feel I have absolutely no control over what so ever. I worry about everything, big or small which I'm sure I've said before.. I make little things big, I make things unknown even bigger, I take circumstances that are so far fetched and make them my reality and I truthfully can't tell you why.

I remember being little and going to bed at night and not following asleep for hours because I would worry about the events of the day, worry about tomorrow, wonder if I did something on my homework right or wrong and god forbid I didn't do part of my homework because I had questions.. I wouldn't sleep all night. I wish I could explain it, I don't know why I do it but as I get older I find it getting worse. When we travel I check my zippered pocket inside my purse a million times for our passports. I put them there, zip up the pocket and never put my purse down, where are they going to go? I fear losing my boarding pass, the airline losing our luggage, basically you name it I worry about it. Although I will be honest I don't really ever fear the plane crashing.

Last night Jason got home from work and we went to dinner with some people that he works with, its nice to get out and they are all very nice people but there is a part of me that feels a little twinge of... nostalgia I suppose for our friends, the people we always travel with, the normalcy, camaraderie.. you know. We go out now and truthfully no one here cares about American football (weird), they only talk about work and although I know what they do, Jason hates this job so much that its not like usual where he comes home and tells me whose up to what and where they are in the project, so I kind of sit back and take it all in. Then as soon as dinner is over everyone leaves, its weird, its different, I miss our norm.

As I mentioned I am starting to feel restless here and just in general, needing a change. I'm not going to lie I am longing to go home and as I continue to count down the days they inevitably seem longer. I am trying to wrap my head around the next two weeks and get excited about the road trip home. Jason and I have talked about going up and around through Kentucky and  Tennessee which I am very excited about, I really love our road trips and all that we see. I feel like if I should be worrying about anything it should be packing (I never worry about packing, I'm a pro at this point), our move out inspection with Trunchbull who is inevitably going to try and take as much money as she can from us, but truthfully at this point I really don't care she can take it as long as it means we are getting the hell out of here). I do find myself worrying about the house and wondering if everything is OK there and what we are going to go home to, yet somehow I can push it out of my mind thinking that it is what it is and I'm sure it is fine and we will find out when we get there. Funny how that is, something so big and yet I can brush it off, why can't I do that with everything?

But instead of worrying about the near future I am worried about where the next job will be (This always happens at the end of a job, I always worry if we don't know and sometimes when we do. I have an idea about the next job which I am thinking of sharing in the near future). I worry about going to Maine during our time off as it is not my favorite place to visit and I can't say I ever really feel comfortable there. I worry about leaving the house again (funny how we aren't there now and I can push that aside), I worry about not having a job to go to after this and what that would mean for us financially. I worry.

So tonight when we went out I had my phone charging on the counter and I completely forgot it, it rarely happens but Jason and I were talking about the Patriots game as we were going out the door and I just didn't grab it. Not really a big deal as I have to turn my data package off in Canada so its useless to me anyways, but when I came home there was an email from Unemployment asking for me to call into the office. I don't know why I got so upset, the email said they had a question about my travel. I have always been 100% honest about our travel as I think honesty is always the best policy, how bad can it be if I was honest but yet my night was ruined then and there. I went to bed, I laid there and tried to read, pin, watch TV and I just couldn't do it. I tried to talk to Jason about it (who is the worst person in the world to go to if you are looking for comfort) and I cried more! I finally just got out of bed and sat on the couch.

Why do I do that? I use to do the same thing about my green card. As much of a hassle it was dealing with immigration in the end I cant say that we ever really had any problems. It was a long process and of course totally worth it but every time a letter would come in the mail from homeland security, even if our lawyer told us what it was and to expect it I would cry the whole way from the mailbox back to the apartment, barely get it open because I was shaking so bad and it was nothing bad at all. All for nothing.

I can honestly say that a lot of my worry generally turns out to be for nothing, I will cry and stress and worry and lose countless nights sleep and in the end it was all fine... so why? I honestly don't know how to fix it, I wish I did. I try and tell myself things will work themselves out how they will and most often it is completely out of my control, which is true but it doesn't change how I feel at the time. I attribute my insomnia to my worry 110%! When I lay awake at night (most nights) it is often for a reason, I may not feel like I am necessarily worried about something but I am always thinking about something.

At this point you probably think I am totally loonie... don't worry, so do I. I really have tried to work on it, reading before bed so I'm tired enough to fall asleep and I go to sleep thinking about the book instead of whatever else.. it works sometimes but generally no. Tea, yoga, exercise in general, talking about it, not talking about it.. nothing works. Any words of wisdom? Suggestions?

Truthfully I feel bad about my worry too, because I know I have so much to be thankful for and I could have some real things to worry about, health issues, real money problems, etc and I don't.

I really just needed to vent here today.. get it out there, hoping it would make me feel better. I'm not going to lie though as much as I love using my blog as a sounding board sometimes it didn't help.

Tomorrow is a new day though right? and one day closer to getting out of here. Plus side, right?

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