Anyways I am not stopping in here today to offend you all as it may appear at the moment! I am stopping in to wish all of you who do LOVE St. Patrick's Day a very happy one and I hope ya'll had a great time! But more then that I am stopping in because today mark's the third anniversary of my Papa's passing and although I still find it hard to talk about it definitely deserves some recognition.
The other morning when we were getting ready to go to Savannah I grabbed my necklace on which I keep his wedding ring and thought in my head that it was just like taking him with me, and then I laughed thinking he probably wouldn't even want to go.. not that I was giving him a choice. As he got older he preferred to hear about travels rather then take part in them.. I get it.
To say I miss him is the understatement of the century.. every time we go home and we drive by the hospital he spent his last days I tear up.. I know he was ready to go but selfishly I feel like I still need him for so many things here. I miss his wisdom, his humor, his stories.. his laugh. I miss his big heart and the fact that he could talk so much shit and no one said a damn word because of the great respect we all had for him.. I talk shit but I get in trouble for it.. I haven't caught on to the last part yet I guess.
I believe if he was here things would be different, I believe certain people would be in much different places, better places because his advice was appreciated and we knew he meant business. Haha without question I know his big mouth would have got him in a little trouble with certain things but god how I wish he was here for it..
I want to sit and drink beers and play Yahtzee! I want to share the paper and do the cross word together, I want to sneak him cigarettes because as much as I despise smoking I was a sucker for wanting to see him smile. I want to watch CNN and hear his thoughts on where the hell this Malaysian plane is, I just want to hear his voice. As time goes on I sometimes fear I'm forgetting, although I think that's impossible! I will never forget that face, that belly laugh, that love.
Having him in my life made me a better person, I am so fortunate to have memories with him starting back when I was a child. I hope he knows I listened when he talked, laughed at his jokes not only because they were funny but because his laugh was that contagious, I hope he knows that Yahtzee will just never be the same because no one was a good as him (cheating or otherwise). I hope he's proud of me, because what he thought when he was alive meant a lot to me and still does.
Maybe it will never get easier, maybe I will never get over him not being here, missing him.. any of it... who knows. But I don't forget, I think about him all the time, for every different reason and find myself laughing over jokes we may have shared. Maybe I don't want to get over it.
So cheers to you Papa, I hope you spent your day indulging in green beers! I hope you know how greatly missed you are and how much we all love you!