The thought of a baby has weighed heavily on my heart in the last year, as you get older and your biological clock takes over without your permission and feeds your head and heart full of thoughts of procreating it has absolutely been something I ponder often. I consider how Jason and I would be as parents, how I myself would be as a mother, if a baby would fit into our lifestyle and if not are we willing to make the necessary changes to make our lifestyle conducive to a baby. Have we been married long enough and done the things as a married couple we should before bringing a baby into the world? Have we traveled to all the non-baby friendly places we want before throwing a wrench (stroller, car seat, bag of baby crap) into the mix! I guess in all of it the question really is, are we ready? Am I ready to completely devote my life to another person. I know I'm married and yes Jason totally is my number one priority but not in the same way a baby would be, Jason is independent and does not rely on my necessarily for his well being (his food maybe, haha).
I love kids, but having one of your own is a completely different ball game! Its easy to be around other peoples kids (well some of them) and say, I want a baby, I can absolutely do this. But lets be honest when its someone else's child there is a certain level of novelty. You are playing "momma" not being her! You know that you may have to change one or two dirty diapers but that's it! You may hear them cry in the night but you aren't the one getting up out of your nice warm bed! 6:00am (or dare I say earlier) may come soon for someone, but it ain't gonna be you (hallelujah!). Its basically false advertising falling in love with the idea of having a kid because you get all the fun stuff, not the stuff that makes you think.. maybe I'm not ready!
Having Millie G around for four days was a true blessing, I love that child more than words could ever say! That sweet girls sheer existence makes my heart smile!! Her smile is contagious, it made every cry through the night that brought me up out of bed and 6:00am wake up totally worth it.. look at this face!
When Brianne asked would we keep her for a night while she flew to get the kids from their Dad, I wasn't intimidated at all. If anything I felt beyond honored that Brianne trusted us with her precious baby girl, being non parents and all. We spend enough time together that I know Lady A's routine and its not my first rodeo around a baby so I knew changing diapers and feeding her, basic care would be no problem at all. But as the days went on a little part of me wondered was I giving her everything she needed? Was she wondering what the hell I was doing and where was her Momma? Obviously no matter what I did it wouldn't have been the same to her, I am not her Momma but was I at all comparing?
The first full day of baby time was easy peasy! We still had family here and this girls beautiful smile and warm personality was a hit! Truth be told I felt like it was shared responsibility as everyone else wanted to hold and play! It wasn't quite like having a baby, but a little person who participated in whatever we decided was going to happen! She napped as it was an early morning for her and had a great day!
Naps were plentiful, missing Momma takes a lot out of you and requires cuddles with her tiger!
Of course she wanted to play Yahtzee!!
I was a little anxious for bed time as it was the first time she had ever spent the night away from her Mom and if anything that would be the time I thought she would be like... Ok.. whats going on here! Well that's basically exactly what happened when Evan tried to put her to bed! So the first night we let her do it on her own terms, she stayed up a little later but she slept through the entire night! It was not until the next morning that we became aware it would likely be Sunday before Momma returned.
I still really wasn't worried, we went about our morning of breakfast and play time, it really didn't put that much of a wedge in my morning routine... hello novelty! I really enjoyed the morning and while the boys played with Millie I headed up for a shower. I came down to find her half asleep so I went about getting things done while she was content. Jason jumped in the shower and as I came down from checking laundry our day took an unexpected turn!! Millie had puked EVERYWHERE! I wish someone could have taken a picture of my face! She was covered, Evan was covered, it was literally in her hair, all over the couch and the floor.. needless to say I was a little stunned! I stripped her off immediately and decided the tub was exactly where she needed to be! She was in good spirits so we got her cleaned up and settled and then cleaned up her mess. No big deal. No big deal except this was only the beginning.. this girl was sick all day! I am going to likely assume she is teething because not only did she puke all day, she had diaper rash, slept much more than usual.. poor girl. No big deal though, we limited bottles and went to pedialite, we had extra cuddles and diaper cream, nothing we couldn't handle. I felt terrible none the less, she was sick and probably wanted here Momma wondering what the hell I was doing! None the less she had this face on her all day...
Poor pink cheeks.. haha do I look tired?
Dinner time we tried some actual food as she hadn't had a bottle or anything solid all day and it stayed down thankfully!
Bed time again was a little worrisome, being sick and still in a strange place I wasn't going to force anything. She made it very clear how she wanted bed time to go.. and it was just like this!
Jason rocked her to sleep in her little blanket.. there are no words for how this melted my heart. To watch Jason play on the floor with her, feed her and rock her to sleep.. it made me think of what an amazing Dad I know he would be.
The next day was much better, she was feeling much better and our day went off without a hitch, to be honest it was starting to scare me that my life had changed so dramatically in a matter of days but yet in a way it was as though it hadn't changed at all. We fell into a routine with Millie, our days seemed a little bit more fun and filled with so much love!
Sorry for the crappy Iphone pictures! I try to tell Jason!
By day four I was so comfortable and happy with this pretty little face that I was really dreading her leaving! I will say that Millie is an abnormally fantastic baby, she sleeps most of the night, she is forever smiling, she eats everything and never ever cries! I would gladly take her out anywhere and never think twice because I have never seen her throw a fit ever. Millie is that baby that makes life better when she is in it.
In the four days we had Amelia and our sad goodbye (I say it like I will never see her again, apparently I have attachment issues) I learned a lot. I learned that I love that I have for that child is beyond what I could have ever imagined, I learned that you have to cherish every minute you have with kids that age because they change so quickly! But here's the thing, I also learned that as much as I love Millie G and I ALWAYS put her needs ahead of my own... I'm not ready to give up a 20 minute hot shower when I want to take it, I'm not ready to give up long baths with a glass of wine at night. I want to get up and make a coffee before diaper changes and bottles. I would take Millie G for a week every month and love every second of it but she taught me that I am not ready to be a full time Momma! However she made me feel like when I am I would be good at it.
Having said that I may have created a little monster in that we took constant pictures and videos to send her Momma and she LOVED IT! Not only was she a total ham in them but she absolutely found herself hysterical watching herself. By the end of her visit I kid you not she could hold my phone and scroll through all the pictures and videos of herself, knowing full well how to even play the videos. :) Sorry Ma!
Having Millie for a few days was a gift! Having a baby around puts things into perspective, gives you a reason to smile the biggest of smiles with the most love behind them. Having her here made me see Jason through completely different eyes, he is so wonderful with her. I can't wait to see her again, but I think I will hold off on my own baby thoughts for another year. Really why bother when I can borrow her, right?