Its not secret that my transitioning skills have been less then stellar with our recent move and the last two days have not helped that at all. I have had the worst heart burn I have ever had in my life for the last three days.. today it really isn't as bad at all but I still don't feel like its completely gone. I swear that stuff is the DEVIL! I tried everything to get rid of it and last night I finally tripled the dose of Pepcid AC and said screw it and went to bed. You see that has been the other great thing about the last few days.. ZERO SLEEP!
I know what you're thinking.. Nicole stop stressing and sleep.. because generally that would be the cause of my lack of sleep but this time I can't say that.. the reason I am not sleeping is Jason!!! I don't know what his deal is, allergies, he's getting sick.. I really don't know but the last few nights he has been up and down all night and its keeping me up! Both of us have been walking around like zombies the last few days and it just has not done a damn thing for my mood.
I know I need to give myself a shake, I tell myself every single day that this is what it is, we are here and not leaving so I need to suck it up and make the best of it because if not it is going to be one miserable year.. but I have a countdown on my phone reminding me the exact number of days until I can go home again. I can't even write that without welling up with tears. Usually when something bothers me I need to talk about it but I have kept to myself and cry alone on this one because everyone says the same thing "you'll be fine" (what if I wont?) "You just need to get settled" (what if I don't want to) "You'll get to go home for a visit soon" (Not soon enough and not for long enough. Besides what if I get there and cant bring myself to come back). I know people are trying to help and yes I knew this was coming but oh I never could have expected it would be this hard. I've been avoiding everyone for the most part because I constantly feel on that fine line of sobbing. Pathetic I know.
When Jason is home on weekends and we do stuff I enjoy it, I know that there are some good things about being here but let me tell you when it comes to making a list of the good things it seems so short compared to all the fantastic things I can think to write about being home. But that's irrelevant because sadly being here is paying for that house.
This morning I woke up and instead of laying around crying like I've been doing I told myself to get up and get my ass in gear.. I need to shape up and somehow make this work and I know that. I went to the gym and worked my ass off because that's the only time I can turn the music up and drown out my own thoughts. Besides the fact that I actually need to work out it makes me feel a lot better. I am going to look for yoga somewhere around the apartment and a job.
The job thing stresses me out as well, I don't have a ton of options without having a vehicle. Its the beginning of summer so all the college kids are looking for work as well. Jason and I talk all the time about going home for the 4th of July and maybe leaving Thursday afternoon which is fantastic but he can work his schedule right now for the most part.. where will I work to have the same luxury? I refuse to take a job here that I hate like I did in Alaska! I liked what I was doing it but I hated the environment and truly believe my time there would have been a million times better if I didn't have to go there everyday! Not to mention I have to be honest with people, most people don't want to hire someone knowing they plan to leave and I will be without a doubt! I have to be honest with people, although I think a year is a long time and it gives me better odds then the 6 months in a place we have done before I still think it doesn't give me the upper hand.
It will come together, it has to. I know that changing my frame of mind is a really good place to start as I do believe in the power of positive thinking, but its getting yourself in a place to think positively. I'm working on it, I think we are going to head into Manhattan this weekend and I am going to hit up a bookstore because reading is really good for my mind set, I am working out which is great and oh how I love this place (the blog).
I really don't love New Jersey and I knew I would feel like that, I have been here before. Jason keeps saying "you love the city" and ya I did.. as I am often reminded.. I am getting old and I honestly feel like my priorities are just different. I'm not in the same place I was when we lived in New York and I had the time of my life! Besides can we just state for the record that New Jersey is NOT New York and that makes a huge difference. I mean I don't think if we lived in New York again I would feel that much different to be honest. I want to be in our home, in Raleigh, have babies and just be. Haha... that damn biological clock and all those pregnant Mama's to be all over Instagram and the blog world! Really I'm not 100% there yet but none the less city living doesn't have the same appeal it use to, hopefully 3 months from now I will be singing a different tune, coffee in hand and a tight ass from all the walking I've done! Lets see.
Well I should go, stick with me while I get through this rough patch and I'll give you some good things to do in the city if you ever visit! Or if you're from here, have been here and have something to share you think I would enjoy I would greatly appreciate that.
I am off to make Jason a eye appointment, he's decided he needs contacts which I am pretty sure he will absolutely hate but we will see how it goes!
I hope you all had a great day, if you are thinking about visiting New York anytime soon I highly recommend you hop on over to The Small Things Blog and see what Kate Bryan was up to while she was there last weekend, I have just added this to my New York to do list let me tell ya!
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