Don't Cry... Don't Cry...

So I did something stupid tonight at the gym, I got on the scale.. BIG MISTAKE! I'm obviously not going to tell you what I weigh, haha that will never happen but let me tell you what I saw on the scale nearly knocked me over. Its not like I didn't know that I've gained weight since we left Alaska, my clothes fit differently, I even had to buy a pair of capris in a bigger size (lord help me, it almost killed me!).... but I had absolutely no idea until tonight that I have gained a whopping 15lbs!!!! THAT'S A SMALL PERSON!! What the hell have I been doing??

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Thankfully I didn't get on the scale until we were leaving the gym and I spent the whole walk home trying not to sob hysterically. I know some of you are thinking I'm being absolutely ridiculous but in my defense I have struggled with life long body image issues and this is a HUGE freakin' deal to me! I worked really hard to get where I wanted to be and apparently it wasn't important enough to keep it off. Ugh! Clearly I am not a person who can eat whatever they want and maintain my weight. 

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The whole way home in my attempts not to cry I blamed everyone else (out loud, to Jason) for my weight gain! Jason, for not letting us have a scale because we travel so much and its just another thing to carry around. My mother for cooking all my favorite things for me when I go home. My Aunt and Uncle who we stay with for buying us treats and spoiling us when were home. Travel, if we didn't have to drive all over hells acres and stick to Jason's "TIME" I wouldn't have the option of crap to eat (one can only eat so much subway). Jason for wanting things like hotdogs for dinner. Birthday parties for having dips and crap at my finger tips. Being in small town no where, where work is impossible and therefore I'm not as active as I could be. Then there is little ol' me... well to the contrary apparently at this point in time there is absolutely nothing little about me! 

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Good lord I cant tell you how bothered I am by this fact, there is no way I am going to sleep tonight even though I need to because tomorrow starts my twice a day at the gym routine.. cardio is going to be my new best friend for the next two weeks until I think about trying to lift again.. which has to come eventually. 

I guess truth be told I'm just really disappointed in myself, I knew damn well I had gained weight (however not this much and I knew that what I was doing wasn't making it any better. Truth be told (not to make excuses) but I do think that some of the weight gain can be attributed to muscle because before I hurt my shoulder I was lifting 5 nights a week, not a lot but a lot for me and seeing a lot of improvement. So now I really dive into a super clean eating regime and make the gym my second home and hope in the next month I get it together because unfortunately I am the type of person that this will sit with me in a really bad way!

On another note I didn't blog earlier today because I am very much into a new book I'm reading... I figured in taking steps in regards to yesterdays blog I would crack open a new book and like always I cant put it down. I'm reading the New York Times Best Seller by Kathleen Grissom called The Kitchen House. 

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I'm not going to lie this book is amazing, much like The Help by Kathryn Stockett. This book is such a different world, its almost hard to believe that at one point in time this is really how people lived! I won't discuss the book in too much depth until I'm done but I found it at Walmart for 40% off, next time you are there take a look, you wont be disappointed with this buy! 

Well I'm off to read and dwell... and not cry! I am NOT going to cry about this I am going to RECTIFY this!! 

Good Night!

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