Selfishness... friend or faux?

First and foremost I would just like to say that I am absolutely OVER this constant bullshit rain! We have had the most miserable weather the last couple of days and now everything is flooding, its a huge pain in the ass! Tomorrow I'm going to have to bust out my Hunter boots to cope because I'm sick of driving to work, especially with a truck with one head light.. Jason really needs to get that fixed.

Well possibly courtesy of the rain work has been really slow as well giving me quite a bit of time to think and crochet... but more importantly think.

Ive spent a lot of time pondering "selfishness"... what actually constitutes the word? I judge those who I think to be selfish, but am I too quick to point a finger?

I feel as though I'm not selfish, I never put myself ahead of others.. I always want to do as much as I possibly can to make others happy even if it comes at my own expense. Is that the definition of unselfishness or self destructiveness? To what extent can we always put someone else first without suppressing our own needs, to a point self sabotaging? Lately Ive wondered if my willingness to put others first has inhibited me from doing things that would make me happy, doing more things for me that might be good for my personal growth.

I love hot yoga, Ive always wanted to take a pottery class, I absolutely love to write, I want to go back to school, I love to get a Starbucks and walk around Barnes and Noble, I love to take a drive by myself with the music up.. I feel free! I don't do those things, not often, not as much as I should. But why? Why is it that I feel like I cant make time for the things that would make me happy? Why don't I feel like those things are worth making time for? What isn't going to get done if I take an hour to myself to do something that makes me happy? But I don't. Why?

I find myself surrounded by people that often make themselves a priority, some even at the expense of other people.. is that OK? Is there ever a time when putting yourself first even if it means hurting someone else is acceptable? I don't think it is.

I absolutely LOVE to do things big or small that I know might bring a smile to someone else's face! A post card (although yes I know I'm not as good as I could be with those), a coffee, a magazine I knew they might like. I make sure Jason has everything he likes for snacks, I look for little treats, cards, etc just because I know it will put a smile on his face. I love knowing that a small gesture can make a huge difference in someones day, I love to know that I can be responsible for someones smile. But why not put more effort into my smile? Why not do things that would make me smile?

I have learned over the years to never rely on someone else to make you a priority, that you need to be in a good place personally, be happy with yourself before you can ever be happy with anyone else. Not to say that I'm not happy but I think if I am as happy as I am without making myself a priority, if I took a couple of hours a week for me, whether it be to work on an online course, or grab a coffee and walk around the book store.. how happy could I be?

I guess I don't know the fine line, I don't want to be selfish, I don't want to be that person who does whatever they want, whenever they want because they want.. but I feel like by making myself so available, so accommodating and always putting others first my feelings sometimes fall by the wayside.

I think everyday everyone should do one thing for themselves! Make yourself a priority, YOU DESERVE IT! Sit with a tea and a book for a half an hour a day, take a walk, buy yourself one of those trashy magazines on the stand at the grocery store. You don't need to spend a fortune, you don't need to neglect others things, but find time because you are important! I started tonight, writing this blog with a sweet orange tea in my favorite mug.. it put a smile on my face!

Jason just got home, he went to the gym and when got home he flew through the door in a frantic search for the camera and umbrella.. with all this rain the creek behind the house has flood so bad there is barely a trail anymore! Instead of the water being 6 feet below the bridge its about 6 inches! Naturally Jason needed to get out there and be right in the middle of it, I'm sure if my Hunter boots fit him he would have taken those too. We are suppose to get a brief reprieve from the rain tomorrow but back at it all weekend and into next week!

Deanna left today, she will be in town for the weekend but leaves Monday for Seattle for a week so I get the luxury of doing all of month end by myself.. go figure! Mel and Myles leave Tuesday morning at 6am which saddens me beyond belief but I will have to work on Tuesday so at least I wont be sitting at home dwelling on it!

Jason is super busy at work right now and may have to work on Sunday, either way our plan is to be around the house I think. The guys are all requesting pumpkin chocolate chip cookies so I'm going to bake on Sunday and if Jason is home I think he is going to make Chili! Fall/winter is definitely in full swing here so we thought we would get in the spirit. I went out this past Tuesday and switched to fall scents.. candles, febreeze, etc. Starbucks has their pumpkin spice latte out.. now if this rain would just screw off so we can get outside and enjoy whatever weather. Alaska weather.. go big or go home.. apparently that's how it works!

If I don't get here again before the weekend I hope everyone gets out and enjoys whatever weather you might be having! Remember.. take 5 minutes to yourself, or 15, or a whole hour! You're worth it.